Before we even get started with today’s topic, I think it’s so important for me to put up a disclaimer – as a Muslim, a woman, a boy mom, a business woman, a teacher, a student, a multi-faceted human being with all the various parts of me, I feel absolutely no need to break down stereotypes. I don’t feel like that’s my job…and quite frankly, it’s not your job either. What we are responsible for is getting to know God and acting accordingly and raising our children to do the same. People should naturally see and feel that through our authenticity…and that looks different on each of us.
I know that this is going to hit some people the wrong way…and I’m okay with that because I think this is important for us to talk about. There are things that are just not appropriate for boys and men – wearing dresses, painting fingernails, etc. Some things are for girls..and that’s just that. Likewise, there are things that are for boys…and that’s just that.
That said, there are some unhealthy stereotypes that come along with raising little boys sometimes. On one hand, there are ideas that produce toxic masculinity, entitlement and just sub-par behavior and character building. And on the flip-side, there are also ideas of emasculating our sons. We need to debunk both sides – not for the world but for ourselves, our sons and our families. We don’t look to the world around us to tell us what is healthy and what is not. We don’t look to what is popular and approved of to make our decisions and our outlook on life.
And good for us – we have the perfect guide. We look to the life of our beloved prophet Muhammad, peace and blessings be upon him. We judge our ideas of masculinity through a lens of his story and his guidance. So that lays the foundation…let’s jump into that list!
1. My son is NOT flirting with you.
I know I’m not the only one to experience this. I also know that most of the time there is no ill-intent. Nonetheless, it is something I firmly believe needs to end. From the time my son was an infant, people would make comments about him flirting with people, being a heartbreaker, getting all the ladies, etc. They make bibs and stuff with these messages. I absolutely can’t stand it. My child is not flirting. He’s not anyone’s boyfriend. And since when did it become a good thing to be a heartbreaker? NO…Just no!
2. My son has a doll…and a toy kitchen.
And he loves his cars, hiking, biking and all the other things. We learn from the example of our prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, that he helped around his home, he interacted with his children and the children around him. Imaginative play, creating realistic stories and learning skills through playing with these kinds of toys is beneficial for girls and boys. Boys and girls will most often play with these toys differently from one another – but I believe these toys are great for all children.
3. My son will be responsible for cleaning up after himself.
My son is three and he’s still learning how to clean up after himself and building habits around that.. But he will not be exempt from keeping up after himself and participating in the upkeep of our home because he’s a boy…and they’re just messy. Everyone has a responsibility to keep their space clean, put things away after they use them, and be respectful of their things. This applies to all human beings. Everyone has potential to be messy and need more training/habit building around cleanliness, boy or girl, but nobody is exempt from that.
4. My son is not exempt from looking for things – and actually finding them.
I can’t count how many times I’ve heard about guys not finding things that are right in front of their faces. Again, this is not a gendered issue – everyone may have a hard time finding things from time-to-time. However, a problem comes in when we make it into a joke and there is no accountability. I hold my son accountable for actually looking for things he wants to find. He has to move things, he has to look under things, he has to put in some actual effort – again he’s three, so I do help him right now but he’s building those skills. If our sons constantly hear about how they can’t find things, it’s a guy issue, etc… that’s the narrative they’ll claim for themselves.
5. Our son will not be engaging in constant potty/foul talk.
I don’t expect my son to never say anything gross or even things that are totally inappropriate that I’ll need to correct him for. But foul language and potty talk will not be accepted. I won’t be a mom saying ”oh, boys will be boys.” Because we are a family with good character and a family who does our best to know and love God – we won’t make a habit of speaking in ways that are not good and pure. Everyone slips up and as our children are learning our family vision and boundaries, developing their relationship with God and developing their relationship with the world around them – they’ll need guidance. I reiterate however, foul talk is not ”boy talk” and it’s just not okay, regardless of gender, age, etc.
6. Our son will feel safe and encouraged to express and work through his emotions.
The prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, was comfortable in his emotions. He expressed his feelings, a full range of them. He was vulnerable. He asked for help. If he can do it, our sons should too. Being emotionally intelligent is important for overall health – that includes being open to all the feelings, knowing how to express them in appropriate ways and knowing how to process them. Our son has encouragement and support to express his full range of emotions, to cry when necessary and I will be intentional in giving him the skills and tools to work through those emotions.
7. Our son will learn to manage his ego without violence and aggression.
Violence and aggression are not traits of manliness. We learn, as Muslims, that the one who is strongest is not the one who wins at a wrestling match but one who is the master of their own ego. That is what I want for our son. I want him to wrestle, to be strong and to know how and when to defend himself and those in his care – but more importantly, he will need to learn to control himself and his ego. He will need to learn that masculine is not the same as being the biggest, the loudest or the meanest person around.
These are things on my mind lately as I navigate raising a little boy in our world today. There’s a lot going on around gender roles, relationships and sexuality..and we have to be careful not to be swept into a dangerous, ever-changing ocean. I have noticed in an effort to get rid of toxic masculinity and to empower women, there’s a lot going on that’s harming our boys – breaking down masculinity.
We honor our boys in their masculinity and we honor our girls in their femininity. Also, we acknowledge that every male and female has both, masculine and feminine energy… Anything outside of that does an absolute disservice to our child.
I look forward to talking all about this and hearing your thoughts in the comments.
Question for the comments: What’s a gender-stereotype that your family doesn’t subscribe to? Also, as usual, let me know what resonated with you in this post…
Thank you for stopping by ‘Nourishing Our Home’. Please be sure to pop in every Thursday for new posts. Also, if you found this to be relatable and beneficial, please help me out by sharing with your family and friends.
If you’d like to see more about Nourishing Our Home, check us out on Facebook and Pinterest.