In the name of Allah, the most Gracious, the most Merciful
Every so often, there are things that I feel deeply inspired to share with you all…that feel a little bit out of place. Today is one of those topics.
As some of you may have noticed, I took quite a big break from Nourishing Our Home. For almost the past year, my attention here has been really hit-or-miss. The truth is I had to really take time to pray and reflect deeply, make difficult decisions and keep the priorities in my life afloat. I had to give myself a lot of space and grace.
There was a lot of shifting happening in my life, a lot to adjust to…and because of what was going on, not only did I need to process it on a personal level, I also had to really check in with myself as it relates to what I’m sharing here with you all.
I created this platform to connect with and offer support and connection to young Muslim women who are excited to really dedicate their time and energy into being a wife, a mom and a homemaker…recognizing the value of these roles while still keeping her priorities in line and also taking care of herself and being dutiful to Allah. Yet here I was… going through a divorce. Choosing a divorce.
It really required me to do some deep reflecting… and thinking things through to be able to come back here with you all in a way that felt sincere and authentic. Ultimately, I had to realize…things don’t always look like the picture we imagined it would be. This is my authentic truth. To be honest, it is a truth for a lot of us.
If divorce is part of your story, that’s just what it is. It’s a part of our story. The good, the challenges and everything in between. So in honor of that, I’m going to share six post-divorce reflections.
1. When you make istikhara, keep your heart and mind open to the conversation you are having with Allah.
Be certain that Allah will guide you, as you’re asking of Him… and listen. Tune into your intuition that Allah has blessed you with. Even if it turns out to be different than what you thought or hoped…or even planned for. Even if you’re feeling pressure. Talk to Allah and accept His answer.
2. There are a lot of emotions that come with it.
There’s peace but there’s also grief. Sometimes it will hurt. Even when it was your choice. Even when it was the right choice for you. You have to allow yourself to feel all the feelings that come up..as they come. The sooner you accept that, the sooner you can continue healing.
3. Divorce doesn’t have to be nasty.
It doesn’t need to be hateful and mean. In fact, just as with every other human interaction as a Muslim, it should be handled with Ihsan and mercy. Though you are no longer spouses to one another, you are still brothers and sisters in Islam.
4. Co-parenting is challenging!
It takes time for everyone to adjust and to find a good groove. Even when it’s simple and things are as agreeable as possible, there’s a lot going on and it can feel heavy at times. It’s a regular practice of squashing your nafs and leaning on Allah. Its really important to remember that your child is a child. Also remember they love you; they love their other parent as well – foster that.
5. The things that were challenging within your marriage, especially as it relates to matters of parenting and family culture…may be magnified after divorce.
During marriage, there’s a different space for managing differences. There are different boundaries in place with family. In divorce, as long as our child is safe (physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually) to the best of our knowledge and each individual parent is respectful of the boundaries that they decided to agree on, we really have to step back when it’s not our time and let go of what the other parent does with their time. One key thing that helps me stay at peace is reminding myself that Allah is the Caretaker. I’m a vessel of that. My sons dad is a vessel of that. But ultimately, I turn to Allah.
6. Allow yourself time and space but don’t get stuck.
Allah is the One who holds your future in His hands. There may be stigma. There will be challenges. People may say hurtful things. But hold firm to your trust in Allah. Really focus on your relationship with Him. With Allah is our healing and our way forward.
There’s honestly so much to say on each of these topics but I hope this offers comfort and a light to anyone reading with a heavy heart.
I do intend to write more about things related to divorce, co-parenting and the journey onward.. but it’s definitely not going to take over the space!
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