We begin in the name of God, the most Loving, the most Wise,
I have sat down to write this post a handful of times but it’s not coming easily. My birth story is still something I feel a bit emotional about. I titled this post the way I did because ultimately I did make a choice and I made the very best choice I knew to make for me and my baby – although it wasn’t a choice that I wanted to have to make.
Throughout my pregnancy, everything went pretty well. I had some aches and pain here-and-there and terrible heartburn most nights but baby and I were both healthy and well. I thought I was pretty well-prepared. Like most pregnant ladies, I did quite a bit of research on the whole process – in addition to what I learned through my doula training. I even made my husband a deck of cards so that he too could be informed and I was looking forward to him being able to be a source of support as our first baby was born.
My mind was so made up about having a natural birth that I didn’t even think to look into cesarean births – what a gentle cesarean looks like, how I could make it as pleasant of an experience for our baby, me and my husband, what recovery might be like and how I can help myself make the most of it. I felt like as long as I did everything within my control to assure my pregnancy was well, baby and I kept healthy, and I stayed home for as long as I possibly could during labor, I could have the natural birth I really desired.
The evening after our due date, I started having uncomfortable contractions. They started off slow and then picked up – getting closer together and requiring more of my careful attention to get through. When I realized that labor was starting, despite my prior feelings of being prepared, I was starting to feel pretty scared. Nonetheless, I tried relaxing. I lied down and tried to take a nap with my husband. After a little while, I called my mom. I looked through my cards that I made for my husband so I could reassure myself that all was going well. Eventually, I went and took a nice hot shower. I called my mom again. Finally, I called my midwife.
It was about midnight, I started feeling a heaviness in my pelvis and I felt sure that I wouldn’t even be able to make it down the stairs without him coming out. Looking back, I know that wasn’t the case – he probably was just dropping into position but during that moment I was starting to freak out. We stuffed our bags into the van, got in and thankfully our hospital was less than 10 minutes away.
We got checked in and my midwife let me know they would need to have me lie down and use the fetal monitor for a little bit, just to see how baby is doing with those contractions. She said that within about an hour, I should be able to take the monitor off and have free movement again. Instead, within about an hour I was informed that baby boys heart rate was dropping with each contraction and it was taking longer than it should to dash back up to normal.
My midwife checked how my cervix was doing and I was only at about 3.5 cm dilated. She said they’re not too worried right now but I would need to keep the monitor on until things were looking better. I was offered a peanut ball to potentially help things move along a bit more. A few hours in, my water broke and they saw meconium (babies first poo) in it. Still, they reassured me that all was okay but I would need to start opening my mind to and preparing for the possibility of a c-section.
I labored on, the contractions coming in ferocious waves, closer and closer together. Continuously praying that my baby would be healthy and I would be healthy and our little family would be all good and happy. I was praying that Allah would guide me and my body to what is best for my baby boy and I in this birth. Despite feeling comfortable in my trust in Allah, I was pretty scared. I felt like all my preparation went out the door. I felt like I was really struggling to keep it all together.
Around 4am, my midwife said she wanted to check me again because it had been a few hours and my contractions were pretty intense and very close together. She checked and I was somehow still only 3.5 cm dilated. She said she felt some kind of scar tissue and that was probably getting in the way of progression. My husband and I were told that we should go ahead and get an epidural and a catheter because at that point they were calling for an emergency c-section. If we waited much longer, I would have to be put to sleep during the birth and therefore my husband wouldn’t be able to be in the room with me and it would be some time before either of us would be able to hold our son.
That’s the moment where I had to make my choice. My husband and I spoke for a couple moments and despite there not being many available options, I chose to go ahead and get an epidural and have the c-section scheduled as soon as they could get me in. That was the moment where I realized I had to let go and that I had to simply trust in Allah being in control of the outcomes. God was in control and He will take care of us. I had done all that I could up until that point and this is how our baby boys birth was meant to happen.
7:34am, our baby boy came into the world showing off his little lung capacity. I breathed a sigh of relief and I finally felt like I could allow myself to feel all the feelings that had been building up – happiness and relief that we were both healthy and well, peace that even though I wasn’t able to hold our son right away that he was in his daddy’s arms, awe and joy seeing my husband with our son so sweetly in his arms, love and amazement that we were officially real parents (not soon-to-be or anything like that LOL) but also I felt disappointment and grief that my birth didn’t go the way I had hoped, we weren’t able to delay the cord cutting or let dad cut the cord, I wasn’t the first person to hold my baby and that where I was expecting to feel empowered by the feats of my body I was instead left questioning the capabilities of my body and not really sure what the path ahead would look like.
Though I feel like there is still healing to be done, I would not say my birth experience was traumatic. I am looking forward to trying for a VBAC for my next birth when that time comes and like the first pregnancy and labor, I’ll do my utmost to prepare for a healthy, vaginal delivery. But also, learning from my experience, I will do my due diligence in learning more about my options and the overall experience of having a cesarean birth so if that does happen to be the way that baby number 2 is supposed to be born, I will be as prepared as possible and I will be empowered by my body and the birth experience, regardless of the method.
I know this is a little bit longer than my other posts but it’s something that’s been on my heart and mind for a year now and I feel like this story may resonate with some of you – even if you did not have a cesarean birth.
As always, thank you for stopping by ‘Nourishing Our Home’. Please be sure to pop in every Monday and Thursday for new posts. Also, if you found this to be relatable and beneficial, please help me out by sharing with your family and friends.