In the name of God, the most Compassionate, the Wise
In January, I wrote a post about the courting process, so today I figured we’ll jump back a step and discuss a little bit about some skills that we should take the time to learn before getting married. It is important to reflect on ourselves and where we are in our lives as we are looking to get married. We want to make sure that we are living a life that makes us happy and that will allow us to be a great partner to our spouse when we do get married. We want to take as many steps now to make sure that when we are married, we’re able to have a happy, healthy and thriving marriage.
There are many skills that are helpful for married couples and relationships in general. These 7 skills I’ll be mentioning are simply a good start and they are what I’d consider the top skills that we should have to some degree in our lives before we get married. Most of us are still learning these skills, years into our marriage, but it is very helpful to have a head start if you are able.
All of these are lifelong skills – things that we’ll be constantly growing in and building upon as we grow forward. That said, if you realize you have some skills missing, don’t beat yourself up too much. Just get started now with learning and practicing these skills.
1. Prioritize God!
There’s a saying, not sure where it comes from but it goes something like ‘If he doesn’t make time for God, he’s not going to make time for you’. This goes both ways. If you are not able to make time in your life for your responsibilities toward God and building a relationship with Him, how would you expect that you’re going to be able to make time for another person that has flaws and imperfections? In the beginning, the honeymoon phase, we’ll put our best foot forward and do all we can to make our spouse feel loved and care for but what about one year in? What about when the newness fades away and you guys feel comfortable in your relationship? You want to make sure that you are prioritizing God throughout your day – every day. Likewise, you want to make sure that anyone you’re looking to get married to is able to do the same.
2. Have difficult conversations.
It’s easy enough to discuss the everyday topics and the light stuff that you agree with people on, that won’t stir up any feelings. What about the tough stuff though? What about the things you disagree with someone on? Are you able to communicate effectively when the topics coming up require vulnerability and courage? There are lots of things that require these things – not always bad, not always someone’s fault either. Marriage requires effort and a big part of that is about effective communication with your spouse. Minding one anothers feelings, intimacy, dreams & goals, budgets, living arrangements, parenting… These are only a few of the things that might bring up some conversations that require you to really dig in and show up for yourself and your spouse.
3. Actively be in a state of gratitude.
You will always find what you’re looking for. Sometimes it’ll take more time and/or effort than you expected but it will show up eventually. If you’re always seeking out negativity, you’ll find it. Really, you’ll even create it in your life. On the flipside, if you’re seeking out positive things, being grateful – seeking things out to be grateful for in your life – you’ll find it! It’s easy, if we’re not being intentional, to fall into a trap of comparing ourselves/our family to other people and building a wall of misery around us. We don’t want that for ourselves and we surely don’t want that for our marriage and family. Seek out the positive. Look for the things that are in your life to be grateful for and there will be plenty of things.
4. Apologize when you are in the wrong (and sometimes even when you’re not).
A lot of times ego gets in the way of wanting to apologize or to be the first to do so at least. We don’t think it’s our fault or only our fault. Whatever the case might be but then even when we do say sorry, often times we’re only half-apologizing. When we’re repenting to Allah, there are essentially 4 steps. Recognition that what you’ve done was wrong, removal of the action, remorse for what’s been done, and rectification. When we’re apologizing to one another, it follows much the same pattern. It’s going to look a little different depending on the situation of course but this is the formula. Too often we miss one or two of these steps and it leads to the person we’re trying to make up with feeling unheard or not cared for. Another thing that happens is that we get upset when the person we’re apologizing for doesn’t seem to forgive us or accept our apology right away but this is turning the interaction from being about righting our wrong to feeling entitled from this other person. This is an important skill throughout life but it could be a marriage saver so it’s certainly important to work on mastering this skill ASAP.
5. Setting and achieving goals for the future.
It’s a skill – which means it’s something we have to learn – to set and achieve goals for the future. A big part in building a successful relationship is having a shared vision and mission for your future together. Having things to look ahead to and dream about. There are people who thrive on flexibility but this is not an excuse for not setting goals. If you have not learned how to set goals for your life, now is the best time to get started. Set small goals that you can achieve and build off of that success. Not only will knowing our goals help us create the future we’d like to have, it also helps us make sure we choose a partner who is in alignment with those goals.
6. Loving others in THEIR love language.
The book ‘The 5 Love Languages’ is a great resource for couples! Everyone has a primary love language – physical touch, gifts, words of affirmation, acts of service or quality time. The way that we express love often, though not always, is a reflection of how we receive. Sometimes we forget that our way of receiving love isn’t necessarily the same way we need to be expressing love. Learning to give love in your spouse’s love language is a crucial skill for a marriage. Take the time to learn what your love language is and when you are married, figure out what your spouse’s love language is. Otherwise you could be putting in so much effort but still not filling your spouse’s love tank. It’s not that you’re not trying, it’s simply that unfortunately you are missing your spouse’s love radar and therefore missing out on the opportunity of embracing them with all the love they need and you wish to give them.
7. Managing your assets.
I know I worded this one a bit weirdly but what I mean here by managing your assets is your spiritual well-being, your physical health, your mental health, your education, your budget, your savings. Basically everything that you are responsible for taking care of to allow you to be the healthiest, happiest version of yourself. It is important that we maintain ourselves and continuously grow within ourselves so that we can show up in an authentic and joyful way. When we go into a marriage, obviously we lean on our spouses at times and we get a lot of love, support and care from them but they should not be the ones primarily responsible for making sure we do the things we need to do in managing our life.
Each of these skills can be applied to pretty much every aspect of our lives but it is definitely important to work on getting as many of these in place as possible before getting married. It is also wise to make sure that anyone you’re speaking to (or if you’re already married, your spouse) is on board with you in practicing these skills.
Question for the comments: Which of these 7 skills would you say are most important? And what is one skill you’d add to this list?
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