In the name of Allah, the most Loving, the Wise
Disclaimer: I’m writing this, from my own opinions. That said, I DO promote exclusively breastfeeding when it is possible. However, I am NOT here to put down anyone’s choices or decisions regarding how they feed their baby. I believe it is important to respect and support moms/parents, regardless of whether they decide to breastfeed, bottle feed, or some combination of the two.
I have always had mixed feelings about the saying ‘fed is best’ and my experience with breastfeeding so far, as a first time mom, has just increased the complexity of my feelings about it. On one hand, we cannot ignore that science backs up the amazing benefits of breastfeeding for babies and moms. Except for a couple very rare cases, exclusively breastfeeding is optimal for everyone involved. However, on the flipside to that, it is not uncommon for women to have to supplement with formula or donor milk to ensure their baby is well fed. Breast is best – unless it isn’t for you and your baby. It’s not that breastfeeding becomes less healthy or less optimal of course, it’s simply that (exclusively) breastfeeding is not best in everyone’s situation.
I think that this concept, that though breastfeeding is optimal, it is not best for everyone’s circumstances, needs to be more well-promoted. It is not fair for moms to feel like they’re not good enough or they’ve somehow failed because they are having trouble with breastfeeding or they have low supply or for whatever reason, they have to supplement. It is not right for moms to have to feel judged for making the hard decision to give your baby formula because that’s what is best in your particular situation for your baby. It is not okay to put down any mom who is doing her best for her baby, regardless of how different from your choices that may be. Being a mom is tough enough, especially when it’s new terrain, nobody needs added guilt or shame thrown at them.
In this post, I’m going to be sharing my story as a first time breastfeeding mom. We’re over a year in now and looking back, there are many things I wish that I would have known ahead of time and taken the time to prepare for. Many times I wish that I had a different story to tell. At the end of the day, I’m content and grateful that our story leads to a healthy, happy and thriving little boy. There have been a number of hurdles we had to cross, several doctors visits, a lot of guilt and disappointment, and even some deleted videos and pictures. We’ve made it up the hill though and I hope that some of our story will resonate with you and offer you the support, the feeling of camaraderie and the hope and vision that things do brighten up.
When our son was born, he was a nice medium size of right around seven-and-a-half pounds. I had decided to exclusively breastfeed him because I would be home and I know the health benefits for him. While we were in the hospital, following his birth, our midwife offered some advice on making sure he had a good latch and was getting enough to eat. A lactation consultant came in to check his latch and how I was feeling about breastfeeding. She gave me her information and let me know I could be in touch if I needed some information or support in my nursing journey.
A couple weeks in and I really felt like I should have taken the time to prepare myself ahead of time. In hindsight, I did not realize how much work that breastfeeding required. I knew that it wasn’t easy but I thought that because it was a natural process, it would simply come about naturally. I recalled some women around me growing up who had some trouble with different aspects of nursing and I also learned some useful information about certain things related to breastfeeding through my doula training but it didn’t register how much effort and energy was required until I was actually in the thick of it.
The first two weeks were definitely the most difficult. I had cracked and bleeding nipples. When my son would latch, I would have radiating pain deep into my shoulder and back. I literally called my mom for reassurance that my nipple wasn’t going to fall off. Then about 2 months into our journey, he decided he only wanted to eat from one side! That was rough. On one hand, I wanted to follow his lead and let him go ahead and only eat from one side so that the other side had time to heal. On the other hand, I was engorged on the other side and getting concerned about mastitis. I was also not sure if he’d be eating enough if he only ate from one side.
We struggled through. Everything eventually healed and there was no more pain. He finally got back to nursing on both sides. Then we had another issue… It felt like he was eating ALL THE TIME but he was super skinny! I was nursing him on demand, day and night, but he was not seeming to gain weight. Although he seemed to be doing very well developmentally, he had no plumpness to him whatsoever. I wasn’t sure whether to be alarmed or not because again, he seemed to be doing well. He was very alert, he was awake an appropriate amount of time, he was progressing developmentally.
Thankfully, we had his three month check-up scheduled with his pediatrician. She saw that he hadn’t gained much more than a pound since birth. Everything else was great but she was concerned as to why he wasn’t gaining weight. She was asking about our nursing schedule and whether I nursed on demand, if he was sleeping through the night or not, etc. She checked his latch and saw that he had a good latch. So she advised me to start pumping after each feeding so that I could get a bit of an idea as to how much I was producing and also to supplement his nursing a bit.
This began a series of weekly visits to the pediatrician for about a month as we were trying to figure out how to bring up his weight through successfully breastfeeding. During this time, I was drinking mothers milk tea, I was trying to increase my water intake, I cut out my coffee and caffeinated teas and I was eating oatmeal everyday. I tried nursing him more frequently, pumping after and in between. I saw that I was only pumping an ounce or so at a time. Each week that we were returning to the office, he was gaining a few ounces but looking at the overall picture, he was still well below average on his weight.
The third visit came and we were still not satisfied with his weight, so we discussed supplementing with formula. Thankfully, we have an AMAZING pediatrician and she actually gave us a recipe for formula using powdered goat milk as the main ingredient. Although I was super disappointed to have to feed our baby with something besides breast milk, I was so relieved that I would know every ingredient that was going into his bottle. We started right away giving him the home-made formula and he just chugged it down. We returned the following week to check-in and see how things were progressing and our baby boy had already gained much more than he had any of the previous weeks.
Several times during that time, I broke down in tears with disappointment in myself. On one hand, I was disappointed that it had taken me this long to realize he wasn’t gaining enough weight and start supplementing sooner. On the other hand, I was disappointed that I had to supplement to begin with because I felt like I had failed in something, that felt to me, so essential to being a Mother. I felt like I should have known more and did more to make sure that I had at least a sufficient supply of milk to feed my child. I felt like I was robbed of this experience, this special bond of having my baby rely on only me for this essential need of food. And it made me so sad that I couldn’t fulfill this basic need of his.
The first few weeks were the most difficult. I will always remember the smile on my husband’s face when he fed him a bottle for the first time. He enjoyed being able to partake in this special part of our son’s care…and I enjoyed that he was able to do that as well. Up until the past couple months, I felt very strongly about only my husband or I feeding him. It’s hard to put into words why but every time someone else would ask if they could feed him, I just felt those negative feelings coming up of sadness and disappointment and missing out on such a special experience with my son. It took a couple months for me to work through that and get to the point where I was okay with other people giving him his bottles.
That is the story of our “combination-feeding” journey. I still nurse him a couple times during the day and a couple times at night. I have no idea how much breast milk he’s getting but I know he’s getting a couple ounces each day and that reassures me he’s at least getting some of the benefits that come with breastfeeding, the nutrients as well as the special bonding time. He gets a lot of his calories and nutrients from his bottles, which he drinks about every 3-4 hours during the day. And since about 6 months old, he also enjoys eating a variety of foods. He’s been back to his pediatrician for all his check-ups and he’s surpassed the 50th percentile on the charts and he’s still doing great in all the other areas!
To this day, I’m a little sensitive about this topic. I am grateful that our baby boy is doing great and healthy. I know that I did what was best for my son and our family. I give my best effort and that’s good enough. That’s all my baby boy needs from me. Yes, sometimes I still feel disappointed and I reminisce over “what-ifs” but overall, I have learned to accept what is over my ideas of how things “should be” or “should have been”. I extend myself grace and I have made the decision to make peace with this experience and use what I’ve learned to do better for the next time.
Question for the comments: What is the number one thing you wish you knew before getting started with breastfeeding?
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