In the name of Allah, the most Loving, the Wise
Today we’re just going to jump right in. These are 17 things that every child needs from their mom (and dad as well, really). I have written these for Muslim families, however these needs can apply to all children, especially within a faith-based family.
Let’s get started:
1. Your child needs you to prioritize your relationship with Allah.
As a human being, we must prioritize our relationship with God. This relationship with God is our ultimate purpose! When we are tuned out from it, our whole life gets bent out of shape. The way that we are showing up in our relationship with Allah will be mirrored in all our other relationships. Not only does making God our number one priority help us directly, it has a direct impact on how we are able to show up as a wife, mother, and as homemakers. Prioritizing our relationship with God also benefits our children in a more direct way, by giving them an example of developing a personal relationship with God and making sure that we are giving due diligence to our obligations to Him.
2. Your child needs you to prioritize your relationship with your husband.
Children gain a sense of stability and security when they see their parents taking their marriage seriously. If we desire strong families, we have to make an effort to prioritize our spouse. This is key. How we interact with one another has a direct impact on our child’s well-being. It also impacts the way our children grow to look at relationships. Our children need to see us interacting with our spouse with respect, love and kindness. Our relationship with one another also affects our child’s relationship with each of us. Furthermore, our children learn relational skills from watching the way their parents interact! We have the opportunity to teach the skills of communication, problem solving, intimacy, and overall relationship building.
3. Your child needs you to make time to take care of yourself and fill your own cup.
If you are not taking the time to take care of yourself, you will eventually reach burnout. You will no longer be able to parent in a way that is intentional and joyful, rather you’ll be parenting from resentment and guilt. We have to start making the time, even just a few minutes in a day, to make sure we are filling our own cup. We have to remember that we are responsible for our own happiness and we cannot give something we ourselves are lacking. You and your entire family benefits when you make a little time out for you!
4. Your child needs you to be present.
It is so very important that you take the time to be truly present with your children throughout the day! We have to practice being comfortable without our devices, without multi-tasking constantly and without worrying about all the things coming up or the things gone past. We have to practice being comfortable with face-to-face, in the moment, vulnerable and raw with all the feelings and emotions, real connections. It is necessary! Presence can be invigorating and healing. Spiritually, emotionally, mentally and even physically! Take a break, unplug! Don’t be quick in getting your kids plugged in and whenever they are, make sure you are very aware of what they may be consuming. You too, be mindful – you become what you consume.
5. Your child needs you to pray with them, for them and around them.
Though there is so much we can do for our children, we are still quite limited! The beauty is that whenever we find a limit, we have the ability to call out to the One with no limits. We can pray for our children and we know that the prayer of a Mother for her child is answered. This is something we need to do for our children and with them as well. From a young age, we should be teaching our children to ask Allah for their needs (and wants) – big things like guidance and health and small things too, like the toys, books, etc they are wanting for. This helps to cultivate their relationship with God in a very personal and positive way. Beyond du’a, it is important to model and teach your children the various supplications throughout our day. Finally, your children should see you praying your daily obligatory prayers as this provides a very clear outward manifestation about prioritizing Allah and obeying Him.
6. Your child needs you to keep an open line of communication with them.
Communication – verbally expressing ourselves, our body language and how we carry ourselves and active listening are all skills that are important for all of us to take the time to learn. One of the biggest ways we learn effective communication skills (or a lack thereof) is by example. Your children need you to be good at communicating with them and they need you to teach them the skills of effective communication. Talk to your children. Ask them questions. Discuss different topics with them and pick their brain. Encourage them to pick your brain. And super important, be a listening ear for your child. When your child wants to talk to you, they need you to listen to them.. And when you listen to the small stuff, they know they can come to you for the big stuff too.
7. Your child needs you to step up in your role as their first teacher, especially when it comes to the big topics.
There are a lot of big topics – about God, about our purpose, bodies, puberty, sex, drugs, fornication, homosexuality, violence, money, etc. Your children need you to be open and upfront about these things. Obviously you need to determine the best ways to go about these things and you need to do so in an age appropriate way, but it would be much better for your children to get information that is factual and faith-based from you rather than hearing things from peers, overhearing things or learning from various forms of media consumption. If your child asks questions, do your best not to shy away from them. Tie information into regular life experiences. You don’t have to wait for perfect moments or have a perfect presentation. Heart-to-heart is generally best anyways.
8. Your child needs you to engage them in the joy of learning.
We talked last week about how learning is a family matter. It is important that you show your children the importance of seeking knowledge for everyone and how amazing of an experience it can be. Learning requires a bit of work but it can also be fun and rewarding. It is important that our children see us making time for studying and also helping them to be active learners. This starts from birth. Children learn a lot through play and this is key. You don’t have to have small children sitting down doing worksheets and the like, simply give them toys that will help expand their curiosity and build skills. Reading is also a vital tool in learning and can be super fun to bring into your daily routine. When we not only educate our children but give them the ability to experience a love of learning, we set them up for not just their lessons of today but a lifetime of learning.
9. Your child needs you to say “I don’t know” when you really don’t know.
“I don’t know” is such a powerful phrase. It can taste so bitter sometimes, especially when we know how much our children look up to us! We have to normalize, however, admitting when we aren’t sure of something! Nobody holds ALL the answers. But each one of us knows some things and when we’re able to admit what we don’t know, it allows us to be in a humble position and explore our curiosities. Acknowledging our limits allows for our expansion. The beauty is, when we can admit we don’t know something, we can find the joy in figuring new things out together.
10. Your child needs you to prioritize good character over worldly achievements.
More important than good grades, wealth and all of the other material things we might care about with regards to how we raise our children, we have to prioritize raising our children with good character and a strong moral compass. Character training starts from how we interact with our babies and small toddlers. We must behave in the way we hope to see our children behave. We must be constantly working on getting rid of our own vices and bad habits and building up positive habits to replace them. Our children need to see us learning about the character of the prophet Muhammad, peace and blessings be upon him, who was sent to teach us good character. We need to be engaging our children in this and starting with small steps from early on. Make it a part of your family life. Allah created us as vicegerent on this Earth and we cannot fulfill that role if we are not consistently working on improving our character.
11. Your child needs you to teach them the value of hard work and having a good work ethic.
There are examples throughout various hadith where we are reminded that we are supposed to work hard and do our part within our family and communities. We are supposed to do things for ourselves and we are supposed to serve others. We are reminded not to be people who wait on the world to hand us things or feel entitled to things. These are important concepts to impart onto our children. It starts from engaging your children around their home. Guiding them within their role within the family and within their home. Give them responsibilities and hold them accountable. This will look different depending on your child’s age and your home/family of course. But remember, our children are capable and they have an active role to play in their family. Don’t be harsh or overburdening but at the same time, don’t constantly cut your children slack and make silly excuses for them. Hold them up to their potential and help them grow. Help your children experience a bit of hard work.
12. Your child needs you to allow them to make mistakes.
We have to be very mindful when it comes to the expectations we hold for our children. It is beautiful to hold your child in high esteem but it can be detrimental when you expect for your child to be perfect and get everything right all the time (especially when “right” means “the way you do it”). As are we all, our children are still learning and growing and all of us are prone to make an occasional mistake. It is our duty not to chastise for mistakes that are made but rather to use these incidents as learning experiences. Making mistakes is a part of the human experience, for better or worse. What really matters is how we respond once they’re made.
13. Your child needs you to apologize when you make mistakes.
Again, we all make mistakes! As moms, as much as try, we aren’t perfect. We get stressed out and raise our voice, we get a bit grumpy from time to time, we accidentally hurt our children’s feelings and the list goes on… How often do we actually take the time and initiative to apologize? We must get used to apologizing to our children. This not only normalizes apologies and correcting “bad behavior”, it is also a great opportunity to model what a sincere apology looks like. Taking the time to make things right with our children is also a great way to build a greater bond and let your child know that you truly care about how they feel.
14. Your child needs you to focus on the good.
“Which of the favors of your Lord will you deny?” An ayah repeated again and again in Surah Rahman. When we are so focused on the bad things, we become blinded to what is good and it plants the seeds of ingratitude into our hearts. The truth is, we get more of whatever we focus on. We are increased in the things we show gratitude for. If we’re constantly honing in on our child’s mistakes (or even our own or our spouse’s), it’ll keep getting easier and easier to find more. If we focus on the things that are wrong, we’ll lose sight of all that is good. Instead, make it a habit to focus on what is good and well. There are so many good things in your world when you choose to take a look and stop searching for the bad.
15. Your child needs you to work through your own stuff.
We all have baggage and when we don’t go through it, get rid of what’s no longer serving us, work through the clunky, sticky, messy stuff, and have awareness of our feelings and thoughts behind the choices we’re making with our lives – this trickles down onto our children. When we aren’t able to recognize our triggers and see the things we need to focus on working with – it shows up in the way we’re showing up with our kiddos. We don’t want to pass down unhealthy habits and unpacked baggage to our children. We have to take the time, on a regular basis, to dig beneath our surface and do some deep introspection. Figure ourselves out. The good, the bad and everything in between! Where do you have work to do within yourself so that you are able to show up as the very best you and be the best mama you can be?
16. Your child needs you to STOP comparing them to others.
Comparing our children has become such a common thing to do, it feels almost like it’s just a natural occurrence! It’s not!! I urge you to fight against this habit and just stop comparing your children to other children – whether it’s some kid down the street or their own sibling. Each child is unique and when we focus on all the ways they are unique from one another, we miss out on celebrating all of their uniqueness that makes them such a blessing. Everyone, – you, me and everyone else – we have similarities and differences. We do things on our own time, at our own pace and in our own way. All of us have strengths. We all have weaknesses. It’s what makes us human. This extends to our own lives, our husband, our home, our family life, every aspect of our life. We are not in a race with everyone else. Just stop. Enjoy what is. Appreciate the blessings that Allah has bestowed on you, your spouse, your children, your home. Stop comparing!
17. Your child needs you to show up consistently.
Especially in this crazy, wavering world around us, our children need us to be a consistent figure in their lives. This means being consistent in your love and care of them. It also looks like setting boundaries and maintaining accountability. Part of it is being consistent with consequences. It’s also, and especially, about staying firm to the Truth even when it might be tough and helping them do the same. It’s about making those tough calls as a family that allow you to live an authentic life that is true to your faith and true to your values. It is about constantly working on your faith and relationship with God so that you are able to be conscious of Him in your decision making EVERY SINGLE TIME. It’s about not being persuaded this way and that by the many voices surrounding us on a regular basis. We have to be consistent.
Being an intentional, nourishing Mom takes some effort. We have a big responsibility in front of us to raise and guide our children. There are many other things we could add to this list but I think this is a great start and I look forward to continuing the conversation in the comments.
Question for the comments: What is something you’d add to this list? What is another thing children need from their parents?
Thank you for stopping by ‘Nourishing Our Home’. Please be sure to pop in every Thursday for new posts. Also, if you found this to be relatable and beneficial, please help me out by sharing with your family and friends.