7 Actionable Tips to Help You Stop Yelling at Your Toddler!

In the name of Allah, the most Loving, the Wise

Today’s post is in collaboration with 3 other Muslim bloggers! This week we’ve been addressing some tough topics surrounding mom guilt! So far we’ve addressed “Filling Our Own Glass First”, “Not Comparing Our Children or Our Parenting With Others’” and “Reflecting on The Lives of Umm Musa and Hajar as Mothers”. This is the last post in this collaboration series and we’re talking about how to be proactive rather than getting stuck in guilt. We are talking about taking the necessary actions toward breaking free from bad habits that affect our parenting. Specifically, we’re talking about how to stop yelling at our kiddos!

Being a mama can be tough! It not only requires us to dig into and hone so many skills, be actively engaged most of 24/7, raising our littles also brings up so many of our own internal struggles. So many people talk about how children are like little spiritual guides in their own ways! Think about it – raising children effectively requires that we are constantly leveling up! We have to work on our patience, work on our kindness, our time-management, our self-discipline, our leadership skills, are language choices. Having children and choosing to raise them effectively challenges us to constantly work on getting rid of our bad habits and just do better overall.

Of course this is all a lifelong challenge. We’ll always have some flaws here and there, some slip-ups and that’s just part of the human experience. It’s also part of the learning and teaching. We learn how to forgive and teach how to forgive. We learn how to love unconditionally and we teach the same. We learn about respect and we teach it. The list can really go on and on but I think the point is clear.

Today we’re going to dive into one of those bad habits that many of us mama’s slip into on a regular basis: YELLING!!!

I’m not here to make you feel guilty about it, in fact if you’re like me, you probably already feel pretty guilty on your own accord. My goal is to instead, share with you some powerful tools we can use to STOP yelling at our kiddos (especially our little toddlers)! My hope is to reach out a hand to pull you out of that mom-guilt that we get so stuck in and remind you that you are in control of your choices, your behavior and your life. You CAN be the mom that you want and it is completely possible to parent successfully without yelling.

Before we dive-in, I want to give a little disclaimer – I’m not perfect at this. This is a post where I’m sharing my journey and my experience. I’m taking you with me as I dig myself out of the trenches! I really hate yelling…It makes me feel so terrible to yell at anyone but even more so my little kiddo. So I’ve made a commitment to stop, to break free from yelling and to choose a better way. I’m sharing with you the tools that I’m finding helpful and that I’m learning and adding to my toolbelt along the way.

So..Why is yelling such a bad thing?

To some, yelling feels like a normal part of family life. If you were to suggest that yelling (especially at our children) is actually quite harmful, they would disagree. But in reality, it does some real damage to your child’s emotional well-being, the relationship between you and your child. It’s not good for you either. So I’m not going to try to sugar coat that. If you’d like to know some more reasons why you should work on quitting your yelling, here are a couple:

-Yelling is ineffective in correcting behavior and/or getting what we want
-It can damage the relationship between you and your child
-Yelling causes increased stress and anxiety for all parties involved
-Being yelled at frequently can lead to lower self-esteem
-Yelling teaches yelling!!

There are probably a bunch of other reasons but hopefully this is enough to convince you if you weren’t already that yelling is something that’s gotta go!

I Feel Guilty Every Time But I Can’t Seem To Break Free!

When we slip up, we have 2 choices: either (1) we feel guilty and allow ourselves to be stuck in a repetitive cycle or (2) we acknowledge our mistake and decide that we are going to take a different path. We take responsibility and learn how to be proactive so that there’s no room for being reactive. We acknowledge that it’s not going to happen over night and that’s okay but we are putting in the hard work to improve every single day.

Now is the time to remind ourselves that feeling guilty does nothing but make us feel yucky! It doesn’t do anyone any sort of good – not ourselves, not our children, our spouse…nobody! Being guilty also doesn’t change anything. It’s time to break free from mom-guilt! Leave it for something better. Choose instead to be mindful and to work hard toward building better habits to replace those habits that are not suiting you.

Instead of feeling guilty, try to acknowledge that you are trying your best and that you see where there is room for improvement. Make a plan and start today toward taking steps toward a more peaceful family and home life.

Let’s talk about those action steps!

1. Use The Tool of Mindfulness! Take a moment to really notice the emotions that are coming up for you. What are you feeling at that moment? Dig a little deeper and acknowledge what exactly is triggering you. It probably wasn’t the cereal spilling on the floor that made you erupt like a volcano right? Maybe you are feeling overwhelmed or unseen or unappreciated? We all have different things that trigger us and each of us respond differently when feeling triggered! When you are able to step back and identify the things that trigger you, you are able to set up a plan for balancing and even avoiding those triggers. That’s not to say you’ll never again be triggered. But it is to say, you’ll likely respond in a much more calm and balanced state.

2. Understand that as humans, we all (you, your spouse, your children, and everyone else) experience big emotions sometimes. It doesn’t help anyone if you get overwhelmed by your child getting overwhelmed. When they are upset and having a hard time expressing what exactly is going on for them, that is perhaps one of the worst times for you to explode. Remember they are still learning what words to use, what their emotions are and how they feel, how to regulate all those emotions and the plethora of other skills that come with emotional intelligence. We’re still learning a lot of these things. Nonetheless, kiddos still have BIG emotions and because the parts of their brain that controls the higher level of processing and expressing things is still developing – those feelings oftentimes come out in BIG ways (like tantrums and meltdowns)! We have to be okay to hold space for and acknowledge those things without allowing them to ignite a fire in us. We don’t have to take on those big emotions, we simply have to be there with our children as they experience them.

On another note, we too have big emotions and we have to get rid of the notion that we have to constantly hide them away from our spouse or children. It’s okay to tell your child, I am really upset that you did xyz. My feelings were hurt when xyz. I’m very tired right now. I’m feeling overwhelmed right this moment. Some of those things, your toddler won’t completely comprehend of course. But even just bringing those emotions out and allowing yourself to be mindful and allowing yourself to openly express these things allows you to often diffuse the volcano before eruption.

3. Recognize that you and your child(ren) are on the same team! Have you ever caught yourself feeling like your toddler is purposely behaving a certain way just to get under your skin? Like, man why did she wait until I cleaned up this whole room and then decide to play with the legos. Or, the one day I really need a break is the day she decides to be cranky and tired?! Your little one is not doing “whatever they’re doing” AT you, TOWARD you or TO you. I know it can be hard to bring to the front of your mind that thinking this way and using this verbiage is putting you and your child on opposing teams but that is the reality. They are having a hard time and you are their safe place. You are their comfort. You’re the one that they feel comfortable enough to express themselves and be themselves with. You have to take a moment and remind yourself, as often as necessary, that you and your children are on the same team…even when it feels so, so hard! 

4. Lean in and tone down. Most of the time when we yell it is because we feel like we’ve lost control, we feel overwhelmed, we feel burnt-out and/or we feel like we’ve exhausted our other options. A lot of times when we yell, we’ve become disconnected or we’re in some sort of in-between area where we’re trying to be connected but we really are ready to break away. Instead of giving into this urge to disconnect, take a deep breath and give yourself a moment to reconnect to yourself and ground yourself. Get down and be level with your little one and rather than raising your tone, make an effort to lower and steady your voice. Make eye contact with your child, acknowledge their needs, their emotions…and acknowledge your own needs and emotions. You have to be aware that you are the adult in this situation, you are the caretaker of your child… not the other way around. Your child is not responsible for your emotions, they are not responsible for keeping you calm or happy. You are…and you’re responsible for holding space for them as well as helping them learn to do those same things for themselves.

5. Put limits on your screen-time! I know this is hard to hear, it’s hard even for me! When your child is feeling like they are constantly in competition with a device for their mama’s attention they are bound to do some acting out… On top of that though, when we do not put healthy limits around our screen-time, we are not allowing ourselves to be fully present with our family, we are allowing our mind and heart to be pulled in all these different directions at once and our brain is on multitasking overload. The two of these things combined is a recipe for a mad mama! It is crucial that we set boundaries for ourselves and within our homes so that we allow ourselves to be present, allow ourselves to build our focus and allow ourselves to be calm.

On the other hand, with our kiddos we also have to put limits on screen-time! We choose to be very, very selective about screen time with our toddler. It is really a personal decision what works best for your family and in your home. But limits are definitely important, with toddlers especially but with all children! We have to be mindful that the act of being glued to a screen impacts how we are able to show up in the world. The more we watch, the more we generally want to watch. And more importantly, the quality of what we’re watching has so much impact on us – so no matter what limits you choose as far as quantity goes, it is crucial to be super picky about what you allow your child to watch. It impacts their character, their mood, their attention span and so much more.

6. When you slip up, which you will…we all do! Step up to the plate and apologize. It’s easy for us to feel guilty and beat ourselves up about yelling at our kiddos and losing our cool but it seems really difficult sometimes to get down to their levels and apologize. It takes a lot of courage to admit when we’ve done something wrong – especially admitting this to a child. It requires us to be very humble to admit to our children that we have made a mistake and we are not perfect. Sometimes we think that we have to show up as super-woman and be perfect for our families. But really, we are all human and we are working to do better but we all make mistakes sometimes. Sit down to your child’s height, look into their eyes and let them know that you apologize for yelling and let them know you are working on correcting this behavior.

7. Be proactive with your self-care. Although I am putting this last, it is a super huge priority! We really have to take the time to fill up our own cups so that we have the ability to pour forth into those we love and care about. A lot of us have gotten into this mindset that we must put everyone else first and find time for taking care of ourselves in between tasks, in the little leftover crevices of time but in reality, this leads to resentment and burn-out. It doesn’t have to be long bouts of time, even just a couple minutes a few times throughout the day – give yourself some time, some love and some care. Take care of you so that you are able to take care of others! And if you feel like you are having a moment where you’re overwhelmed and you feel the heat rising…there’s no harm done if you take a time-out so that you can recollect and gather yourself. Let your child know that you are coming right back, you are going to be in your room for just a minute because you are feeling ____. They may be upset and might even cry but it is better that they be upset for a moment and have a peaceful mama then you both be crying after an angry yelling session that leaves you feeling guilty and them feeling worried.

It is so important that our homes be places of tranquility, of love and respect. All of us should feel comfortable and safe within our homes. A big part of this relies on how we, as the homemakers, moms and wives, set the tone! That requires making some important decisions and taking daily actions! We don’t want to do any of that from a place of guilt and disempowerment. So let’s stand back up, hold out a hand to our fellow mama’s and choose a better way.

Question for the comments: Let me know if yelling is a struggle for you? What is something that helps you not yell at your kiddos in those difficult moments?

Thank you for stopping by ‘Nourishing Our Home’. Please be sure to pop in every Thursday for new posts. Also, if you found this to be relatable and beneficial, please help me out by sharing with your family and friends.