In the name of Allah, the most Gracious, the most Merciful
One thing that all of us mamas have in common is that we’re trying to do our best! We are willing to do almost anything to make sure our children are well taken care of, have their needs met and feel all the love. Sometimes…even at our own expense. There is beauty in this… but if we’re honest with ourselves, most of us could do a better job at figuring out a balance of serving others and taking care of ourselves as well. When we don’t give ourselves some space in our priority list, eventually we burn out. We start interacting with our family with resentment, guilt and burden rather than serving them with a full heart, with love and from a place of authenticity.
Today, we’re talking about one aspect of that…which I don’t think we talk about enough! That is, playing with our children and what to do when you don’t feel like playing…despite your little one’s 123,000 requests for you to join them!
I am a firm believer that it is not a parents responsibility to entertain their child. It’s equally true on the other hand, play is the work of toddlers. This can be a delicate subject so let’s dive in a bit. It is important and beautiful for us to play with our little ones. It is crucial that we are intentional about pouring into our children in the way they need from us and yes, that includes making time for playing. There are so many benefits that are found in playing with our children but let’s be honest – there comes a point in a day-week-month, where you have absolutely no desire to build another train track, play another imaginary game, or run around the house pretending to fight imaginary dragons.
You feel bad for saying no. You don’t feel good saying yes. And truth be told…when we say yes when we really mean no, often this leads to resentment – even with our children. We all make mistakes, but by making a habit of interacting with our children from a place of negative feelings, our children will pick up on that at some point. Let’s make a change as simple as 1-2-3.
1. Make sure you’ve taken the time to fill your child’s cup.
2. Get your child set up for play.
3. Sit back, relax and enjoy the process.
So what do we do when you have your little one asking you to play and you’re really not feeling it? Let’s talk about it…
1. Place clear boundaries – for your child and yourself – around playtime.
Important boundaries for your child might look like how often you are actually sitting down to play and how long your playtime will last. Having a couple designated pockets of playtime throughout the day that both of you can count on can be very helpful. Some important boundaries for us parents might include keeping our devices put away and not multitasking. When you have little pockets of time throughout your day, you and your toddler know what to expect. You are fulfilling their request but also respecting yourself. You are filling your little one’s cup and making space to fill your own as well. This can also squelch guilt during those moments when you do turn down the invitation.
During those pockets of play, be mindful that this is a time of connecting with our children. Be intentional about having fun, making a connection and spending good quality time with your little one. And be present, honoring you and your toddlers time and space. Put away your phone, recenter yourself as thoughts of your to-do list pop into your head, don’t keep checking the clock. This playtime pocket is just as, if not more, important than anything else you’ll be doing today. Slow down and enjoy the moment. Quiet your racing mind, push back against the hustle and bustle and don’t try to multitask. Remember, if we’re saying yes with boundaries – we should simultaneously be prioritizing quality over quantity.
2. Redefine what play looks like for you.
When you’re having a moment of feeling burnt out, tired, bored…you name it! – take a step back and think about play from a big picture point of view. Play could be doing puzzles, reading books, building with legos. It could be taking a walk, collecting leaves. With a little creativity, we can make most things into play with our toddlers. Having a handful of things in your back pocket, that both of you enjoy, can be really helpful.
Another option for this would be inviting them to your “play”. This could mean including them in doing laundry, washing dishes with you, and joining you in the necessary chores around the house. Though these might not be fun for us, they are oftentimes very welcome activities for our toddlers. But I’m also talking about literal fun – if you’re doing art, offer them to join you with their material. Exercise together. Bring them along as you’re living your life.
3. Rearrange the environment and/or play materials.
While I do believe that it’s not a parent’s responsibility to entertain their child, it is our responsibility to prepare the environment for independent play and exploration and also provide tools, toys and materials. Simply having a handful of good quality toys that inspire exploration and play is great..and often sufficient. If you notice however, that your child is having a bit of a hard time with independent play, offering a bit of a refresh might be what is needed. There are several options for this…including just winging it and doing your own thing of course! But setting up a toy rotation system that works for you and your kiddos might be helpful.
Another option is setting up “invitations to play” – which is basically putting together some materials and setting up some stations of play for your child to engage with. Either way, you are providing various options that encourage creativity (you also get to indulge your creative side) and maybe offer a fresh perspective to old toys/activities. This does require a bit more effort on your part but it can lead to a wonderful time for your toddler to explore, play and even learn – independently!
Being able to entertain ourselves and play independently is a skill.. It has to be built and the best time to start is NOW…especially if your little one is a baby. All of this – teaching independent play, declining your child’s request sometimes, etc… is about modeling authenticity, allowing space for boredom, learning conflict resolution together and making a life where you are loving your toddler and also loving yourself!
Question for the comments: Share a little bit about where you are in your journey of encouraging your little one toward more independent play…
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