In the name of Allah, the most Gracious, the most Merciful
A topic I’ll be diving into a bit more this is what we need to be doing within ourselves, within our homes and within our parenting to help set our Muslim children up with a strong foundation in their faith. We’ve talked about this already a few times but it’s something I want to lean into a bit more over the next couple months.
It’s incredibly important that we realize that a big part of guiding our children toward success – in this life and especially the next – is for us to be intentionally doing the work ourselves. We have to truly embrace our responsibility and the power that Allah has put within us as women of the home and particularly as Moms. It’s not about perfection but we want to be making progress on a regular basis.
We want to make sure we’re doing our own internal work. It’s so easy for us to pour all of our energy into our children and our home…but we cannot give our children what we don’t have for ourselves. Furthermore, when we have unhealed or negative narratives running through our hearts and minds, these bleed over into the way we are parenting our children and raising our family.
Today, we’re specifically talking about parenting from fear. Fear is an essential emotion. Nonetheless, as with all the other emotions, there needs to be healthy limits. It’s natural that we want to protect our children and we want to see them succeed. But when we are consistently letting fear direct our parenting choices, we are doing a disservice to our children and we’ll end up riddled with mom guilt. We don’t want to live a life based in fear. We don’t want to be holding ourselves or our family back.
Before jumping into the list, I want to specifically talk to mommas of faith because I think we have some specific ways that parenting from fear shows up for us. In the world around us, there are so many scary things for our children – from technology-related things, peer pressure and good companionship, gender interactions and relationships, etc. We won’t really dive into all this today but I want to remind us that in our attempt to cut off the negative temptations of this world, we are not cutting off the line of connection and communication to our child’s heart. A lot of times when we’re creating guidelines for our children to help keep them on the straight path, we do so from a place of fear… and this can go either way – too rigid or too lenient.
But of course that’s not the only way we parent from fear…So let’s dive into our list of 8 ways that we might be parenting from fear without even realizing it sometimes.
1. Being too rigid in your boundaries and rules.
Being too rigid with our rules and boundaries is ultimately trying to stay in control, which certainly stems from fear. It could be fear of our children slipping off the right path. It may stem from fear of other people’s opinion of our family. It might be fear that we’re not doing good enough..or enough in general. But both, boundaries and rules are important for our children. We are responsible for teaching our children right from wrong, healthy from unhealthy, acceptable and not… and we want our children to behave in such a manner that is in-line with our family vision. Our boundaries and rules should reflect all of that and therefore this will look different for each family. But as a general rule, we want our boundaries and rules to create an atmosphere of safety, love, respect and also growth. We want to make sure we’re setting up a parameter…not a cage.
2. Being too loose in your boundaries.
Being too loose in our boundaries, though completely opposite to the previous point, also stems from fear. It may be fear of pushing our children away. It might be fear of our children not fitting in. It could even be fear of our children not liking us. As they grow up, our children become capable of setting their own boundaries. They gradually develop their sense of self – their identity, their beliefs and their worldview. As their parents, we have a responsibility to guide them in these things and help to shape their identity and their worldview and help them to establish their faith. Education is a part of this of course, being involved in a good community is a big part of it but also setting safe, loving boundaries and rules within our home, being consistent with them and holding ourselves and our children accountable are a big part of it as well.
3. Always doing things for your child.
I think this is one that’s a little more incognito, as in we do it often without realizing that it stems from a place of lack and fear. This might look like fear of our children growing up. It also often comes from worry that our children may not feel loved and cared for. Also however, it comes from fear of not having enough time or missing out on things. Simply put, we shouldn’t be doing things for our child that they are capable of doing for themselves. As parents, we often find ourselves in this catch-22 situation where we’re so happy to see our children grow up but…it can also be sad to see them becoming more independent and creating a life of their own. We have a responsibility of passing the baton on to our children, giving them the tools and resources to become an independent human being.
4. Constantly responding with ‘no’.
If your default answer to your child is ‘no’, there’s something that’s going on under the surface for you that you’ll need to take a closer look at. Most likely, this is coming from a place of fear within you and it’s holding you back…and your child. This usually comes from fear of our child getting hurt – physically, emotionally, or spiritually. It could also be fear that you’re going to mess up. Going back to the rules and boundaries topic, it’s inevitable that we’ll have to say ‘no’ and there’s nothing wrong with that. It should not be a default answer though and again, we’re making sure that it’s coming from a place of love not from fear. Also, a helpful tool, especially if this is something you struggle with, challenge yourself to offer solutions when you do have to say no.
5. Giving our children ALL the things.
There’s nothing wrong with giving our children things but we have to look into our heart. Are we giving to our children because it fits within our family vision, our budget and it is something beneficial to our child…or are we doing it to fill some void within ourselves. This often comes from a fear of lack. A fear of our own parents’ mistakes. Fear that our children will experience the same pain, the same embarrassment, and/or the same hurt feelings that we felt as a child – and we want to protect them from that. It comes from a very heartfelt place but…it often leads to entitlement and can lead to a whole host of character issues. We have to be balanced of course but even with gifting and giving things to our children, relate it back to our family vision.
6. Constantly filling your family schedule.
Not leaving space to simply exist and relax is often drenched in fear. For you, it might be fear of your children and/or family missing out or being looked down on. It might be fear of your children’s boredom or what they might do if you don’t fill their time. It could also be your way of avoiding addressing something that’s not healthy or aligned with your family vision within your family. This is another sneaky one. Nonetheless we have to take a look. If we are constantly getting overwhelmed, our children are probably even more overwhelmed. Boredom and silence, making space to just be present…and having family time is incredibly important for nourishing ourselves and our home. This is definitely something we need to place loving boundaries around – we need to make sure that our calendar is serving us and that we are using our time wisely, not just filling it up. We want to be working toward our family vision…not just being constantly busy.
7. Continuously comparing your child to other children.
It seems almost reflexive for us moms to compare our child to other children – their siblings, their cousins, our friends’ kids, etc. This also generally comes from a place of fear – we worry if our child is up to par with their peers, we worry that they are developing appropriately for their age. We don’t want our children to be behind. We also fear being judged. We have to stop comparing our children. Every child is unique and will develop on their own timeline. Yes, we have to be mindful of actual developmental delays and such…but that is not done through comparing children to one another.
8. Assuming the worst about our children.
You probably read this and cringed a bit…like who does that? But the truth is…we do it more often than we realize. We assume that if our child is quiet, they’re doing something wrong. We assume that if our child doesn’t want to tell us something, they must be being sneaky. A lot of times this comes from fear of our child making mistakes, the fear of consequences that we might have to implement or even deal with ourselves. It could be fear of missing something. It also stems from fear of judgment from others – of our children, ourselves and our family. This is also linked back to having super rigid boundaries and also always saying ‘no’. As moms, we know our children and we do have to be tapped into our intuition…but again, it goes back to – are we acting from a place of love and connection or a place of fear?
So that wraps up the list…and I think that as moms, most of us can relate to at least one or two of these things. Our hearts are so full of love for our children and we’re willing to do almost anything for them. Many of these things seem normal – they happen all the time. So I encourage you to be mindful that just because they happen often or just because it seemed to work for you when you were growing up doesn’t mean they are healthy. Even if it feels like you’re getting your desired results – check in with your heart, check in with your connection with your children and see if it is truly aligned with your heart and vision for your family.
If you’re reading this post and you feel like any of these really speak to you, I want to encourage you that it’s never too late to do the internal work, heal yourself and adjust your parenting. I want to leave you on a positive note with some helpful tips.
I remind us to observe our mindset. We are charged with the responsibility of raising our children, not controlling them. We have to realize and understand our realm of personal control – which more or less, is only over our own self. Within that however, we cannot neglect our responsibility within our home and to our children. There is a balance. We are giving our children boundaries, accountability, experiences, tools and skills to become independent – we are not doing everything for them or solving everything for them or creating a safe, constricting bubble around them.
Finally, we need to be present with ourselves and our family. We will be checking in often, whenever we realize we’re making decisions from a place of fear…and ask ourselves what is factual rather than what is in our head. We have to make ourselves aware of what’s coming from our own hurt or scared places versus what is coming from the reality of today, of our child, of our family. We will choose to live and by extension, parent, from deep faith, love and connection and use fear as the tool that it is. We are choosing to respond rather than react.
It’s never too late to grow. I’d love to hear about what resonates with you and where you felt challenged today.
Question for the comments: What does parenting from fear mean for you? Do you recognize any of these 8 ways of parenting from fear from your own parenting journey?
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